It happens every time a family member keeps my toddler over night for me. She hadn’t been allowing me to get anything done all day, so I asked someone to pick her up and keep her for me, thinking the break would allow me to accomplish a few things without distraction. As soon as she left my apartment, and things were quiet, I instantly wanted her to come back. Now there is nothing here to distract me from the emotions I keep pushed deep down inside of me. When she is constantly pulling at me and forcing me to get up every single time I try to sit down, I don’t have time to focus on my feelings. When she leaves, and I have time to think clearly, they begin attacking my mind. One of these emotions is called loneliness. I have a huge to do list, yet my mind tells me to sit down and dwell on how single I am. As I sit here, it is so quiet, and my heart aches wishing I had a husband here who just came in from work and was sitting down to eat dinner with me. It’s just me though. I hear women sometimes complain about their husbands and talk about how they get annoyed at the very things that would bring me comfort in this moment.
These emotions are very real and take a lot of energy to fight off. Crying it out helps occasionally, but they still come back the next time I am completely alone. I long for a companion. I have plenty of friends to talk to, but it is not the same. I sit here wishing I had a husband to confide in day after day, instead of whichever friend is available at the time I need to talk. This emotion is accompanied by temporary hopelessness. I feel like I will never find my person. Holding back tears, I remind myself that I am never truly alone, and God is with me. My hope is found in God, not my current circumstance. After I let these emotions out for a little while, I come to my senses and realize husband or no husband, I am going to be okay. Loneliness will always attack me, but I don’t have to stay down. I have a heavenly Father who loves me unconditionally and forgives my sins, because of this, I have everything I need, which helps me find confidence and comfort knowing I will always end up being okay.